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Saturday, December 8, 2012

Peace: A Possibility

When I think of peace at this time of year, my visualization usually turns to doves, angels, or perhaps the nativity scene.  Many beautiful images can be found at Inspiration Avenue on the web at this site.  In fact, the bold type encourages "Peace on Earth, Goodwill To Men."

But what if the holidays are difficult for you, and peace is nowhere near possible?  What if health issues take precedence in your mind, or you are grieving a difficult loss?  What if your heart is breaking?  Where is your peace, or peace of mind?

Family estrangement, especially during the holiday season, is a situation that brings many people anguish. I looked into this issue and found that this is a universal heartache, certainly not just one in my heart. And perhaps after reading this, you will not ask "WHY?" when you learn of an estrangement situation, but can just be there as support for your friend or family member.

So please indulge me, if you are so inclined, to read about some of these thoughts put together here, to gain a better understanding of why family members might estrange themselves.

From this article written by Tina Gilbertson, she hits it right on:

You must understand that the other person has a reason for wanting to reduce contact with you. It hurts to think about being rejected at all, and to accept that there's a reason you were rejected is one of the hardest things any of us can do. However, it's also necessary if you want to have a relationship with the person again.

 You are wrong and they are right. No qualifiers, no conditions, no compromises. How they feel is the absolute truth of the matter. This must be your attitude and your belief. People don't end important relationships on a whim; at some point they really must have felt hurt /unseen /devalued /attacked /vilified /dismissed /damaged /ignored /betrayed /rejected /disrespected by you enough to build that wall. Of course you never meant to do any such thing, but that's how they took it, and that's how they feel. That's reality. That's a fact. 

This is not about you. Your story is not interesting right now to the person who rejected you. They are only interested in their story. Since it was they who initiated the estrangement, your job is to be curious about them, to validate their feelings, and to be available to them in a way that they define as positive or useful.

Accept their decision. For whatever reason, no matter what you do, the other person may decide not to let you back into their life. Let them know that you accept their decision, that you genuinely wish them well, and that the door is always open if they change their mind. Acknowledge to yourself the loss of the relationship, and allow yourself to mourn. Accept the new reality of your life without that person in it. You will survive without them. Your life may look and feel different to you, but it will be yours to do with as you please. If they ever do change their mind and come knocking on your door, decide right now to let them find a peaceful, whole person on the other side.

Many parents have done everything possible to raise their kids in what they perceive to have been the right manner, but they still face excommunication from children and grandchildren. Here are possible issues involved:

  • Parents took an action “out of love” for the child, but it was the wrong action or the child perceives it as being wrong.
  • Some ex-wives or ex-husbands poison the child about the other parent. Sometimes, the child's new girlfriend or boyfriend uses similar tactics.
  • Some parents feel that they have spent years of their lives taking care of their children, and feel no further financial obligation. This common cause of family discord is multiplied when a child also hears that the money issue is somehow related to the parent's divorce.

Sometimes there is no obvious reason for a son or daughter to break off communication, but it would be helpful to many families if a social scientist would study this subject. It seems that one of the risk factors is divorce.  Another factor is having daughters.



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Mark Sichel in his article found here says:
The central premise of this article is that all healing starts from within. The most important reconciliation is the one you make with yourself. That way, your family's willingness or unwillingness to participate in a healing process will not be able to take away your peace of mind.
An extensive listing of websites and resources relating to family estrangement can be found here.

Again, if you are seeking more help in understanding estrangement, the above cited resources can be helpful. Most large churches in urban areas have support groups on the topic of "estrangement."
Lastly, go here to read, in part...
Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco psychologist who is an expert on parental estrangement, says it appears to be growing more and more common, even in families who haven’t experienced obvious cruelty or traumas like abuse and addiction. Instead, parents often report that a once-close relationship has deteriorated after a conflict over money, a boyfriend or built-up resentments about a parent’s divorce or remarriage. “We live in a culture that assumes if there is an estrangement, the parents must have done something really terrible,” said Dr. Coleman, whose book “When Parents Hurt” (William Morrow, 2007) focuses on estrangement. “But this is not a story of adult children cutting off parents who made egregious mistakes. It’s about parents who were good parents, who made mistakes that were certainly within normal limits.”
I am praying for peace this season.  And I accept that as the mother of an estranged daughter, I am responsible for this estrangement.  Just please don't ask my "why," because although I made many mothering mistakes, one of my two daughters is emotionally close to me while the other is distant.

Did I give too much attention to the handicapped child and not enough to the one without visible handicaps?  Did I expect too much from one and not the other? If so, which one? Did I give too little, or too much? Should I have stayed in a marriage that was not good for any of us, and am now seeing consequences 30 years later? I have gone over the questions many times with both daughters, and they both give answers of "you did just fine."  So somewhere in there is a mis-truth.  But I still question, and yet also still don't have an answer as to why one has removed herself from the family.
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As a Christian, I believe God gave man peace through His Son.  Here are a few scriptures I especially like to think about:

John 14:27....I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

Isaiah 40:29-30... He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
Peace be with you all.

19 comments:

  1. Wow. That's a powerful post. Thank you for your honesty and your wonderful humility, too. My dad has just remarried and all of us are trying really hard to make it work but I can see how the things the writer talks about could happen. My sister resents my dad's new wife because she isn't our mum. I resent her a little because I feel she is taking up all my dad's attention and not giving enough attention to him. It could so easily break down, without God's grace. I will keep on praying, and keep on asking to see them through God's eyes, not my own.

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  2. Thank you for your comment, Floss. It is so hard to try and not be judgmental about how things happen. You are so right about trying to see things through the eyes of God.

    You seem to have captured all the emotion and reality of your dad's new venture into marriage with a firm handle on it. I hope the family can see this as a positive effect on his life without the wife taking away all your dad's time and affection from his daughters (you!).

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    1. Thanks, Nancy! I found that this became a real subject for prayer for me in church this morning - because you had highlighted it for me. I'm grateful to God for making me see it his way, instead of hardly seeing what was happening in terms of my bitterness.

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  3. Oh Nancy thank you so much for taking the time and effort to share about this! There are more hurting people out there who are reluctant to talk about this than we know. Perhaps your words of encouragement will help someone find peace at long last.

    And i love the scriptures you selected - perfect!

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    1. Thanks, Diane. It might just help someone else, although it was a bit of an effort to write this. Probably should have included even more "peace" scriptures...next time.

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  4. This is a very complicated subject isn't it Nancy - everyone feels hurt and sad in these broken family situations. I had an unfortunate childhood, looking back I would say disfunctional rather than deliberately cruel and so left home as quickly as possible at 15 as did my two brothers - I returned briefly at 17 and was off again not contacting my family for well over a year feeling guilty as I was the oldest of 3 - I have maintained contact with my brothers intermittantly but we are all carrying emotional baggage and my youngest brother infact wrote a few years back to apologise for disowning me for so long because he had emotional issues and was getting counselling. Looking back I feel very sad for my parents = they must have struggled and either didn't get or ask for the help they needed. These things in life make us who we are - it wasn't until I had my own children that I felt whole. This may sound a bit of a sad old story but I am a very happy person and my experiences have made me a tough old nut and I now see my brothers several times a year and we have adjusted.

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    1. You certainly have come a long way from what must have been an incredibly hard journey. I doubt that you are a "tough old nut" but in actuality more of a woman of substance with a loving, giving heart. You must have strived (and obviously have succeeded) to create a loving family for your own sons. God's grace covers a lot of our mistakes, and you have received and been aware of that grace in order to have become who you are today.

      And in a few words from what I know of you through your writings and our correspondence, you are artistically creative (you got me back into silk painting because of your beautiful flowers on silk), loving, an excellent mom, a caring person toward animals (you dog walker, you!) and probably a good worker at your job since you hardly ever miss.

      Your Google image on A Pause in Advent was pretty cool, too.

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  5. A thought provoking, sensitive post. I've been lucky to not have such family rifts and tensions, but I have seen this with friends who have distanced themselves through misunderstandings... It is sad, but the quotations that you posted are very helpful. I pray that you will find some kind of reconciliation with your estranged daughter. God bless you, dear Nancy

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  6. Thank you, FD. And thank you for your prayers. I know that reconciliation is possible. With God, all things are possible.

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  7. What a profoundly moving post. Christmastime brings all sorts of mixed feelings to the fore and it's not easy encountering and dealing with them. So many assumptions are made about it being a blissful family time when there are often hidden hurts and sadnesses that can seem unbearably acute by contrast with the "textbook" version. I find it quite helpful to remember that Jesus himself did not enter a perfect family scenario - his mother and stepfather had had a very rocky patch over his arrival and things weren't exactly idyllic, living as refugees and separated from wider family during his early years in Egypt. I think God is much more at home in challenging family situations than may be we might assume. As parents, we all make mistakes, however hard we try and it's easy to beat ourselves up about what we think we may have got wrong. But we aren't called to be perfect, we're called to be human. God chose a human mother for his son. And God is pretty good at turning the most unpromising situations around. Not always as quickly as we would like or in the way we think he should, but hang on in there and keep an eye out for him "early on the watch to carry out his purpose, like the almond in early bloom" in Jeremiah. Your Isaiah quotation by the way is one of my favourites - I love the fact that it alludes not just to God giving renewed strength for the weary to plod or stumble on their way but to strength for them to run and to soar. I send you a hug and prayers for you and the family this holy season. E x

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    1. You gave me a lot to think about. I have read your comments many times yesterday and this morning, thinking about Jesus in entirely different ways relating to just his birth. I never really thought of the wandering toward Bethlehem as an "alone" trip, being away from family and not even having shelter...each time I see a homeless person with a sign held up asking for money, it will remind me of Joseph not finding a place to stay for the night.

      And God being much more at home in challenging family situations...He must have authored this concept, right? When you say that He can turn around "unpromising situations"...thank you.

      Right now I am going to look up the Jeremiah passage of "early on the watch to carry out his purpose" because that does not ring a bell. I'm sure after reading this and pondering a bit, I'll get more insight.

      Again, thank you for this wonderful comment. I would love to see this in one of YOUR posts because you wrote it so that it would speak to many, not just one.

      Blessings, Mrs. T.

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    2. There is one more thing I want to remember from your comment(see previous reply first) and it is copied from the web because I want to refer back to it.

      regarding the almond branch: "It was the sign of how much living and fructifying energy might break forth where there was only the appearance of death. The auditors of Jeremiah's prophecies might say they saw no sign of impending calamities. In all self-confidence they might say, "Peace and prosperity will last out our time." And so Jeremiah goes forth with the remembrance of the almond rod, well assured that by God's power the most unexpected things may happen with the utmost suddenness. The words of prophecy may long lie dormant, and some may treat them as dead and obsolete; but none can toll at what moment the long quiescent may start into the most vigorous activity. Was it not all at once, after a long period of quietude, that Jesus came forth with a sudden outburst of miraculous energy and teaching wisdom? It is precisely those who have been long dead in trespasses and sins who sometimes startle the world by a sudden exuberance of the Divine life within them."
      from here: http://ibiblestudies.com/auth/young/the_almond_tree_and_the_seething_pot.htm

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    3. I think there's a lot in this kind of imagery. And it's especially appropriate to reflect on in the whole watching and waiting season of Advent. I love this bit from Jeremiah. There's just something about the suddenness and the quietness of the opening blossom flower that is both so startling and so gentle. So dramatic in one sense and yet so easy to pass unnoticed. It makes my spine tingle every time I read it. I normally use the NIV for preference but I prefer the NEB translation for these verses. "The word of the Lord came to me: "What is it that you see, Jeremiah?" "An almond tree in early bloom", I answered. "You are right", said the Lord to me, "for I am early on the watch to carry out my purpose" (Jeremiah 1:11-12, full text of NEB translation, checked in the text as opposed to my quoting from memory!) E x

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  8. Dear Nancy, beautiful post. I do hope you find the answers you are looking for and that this Holiday Season brings you and yours love and peace.

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  9. Your post was very poignant. So many people struggle with these issues. I will pray for peace, however one may find it.

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  10. Oh, Nancy, I'm sorry. It must be harder when it's a daughter. With me, it's my sister. We used to be so close. 5 years ago, she got involved in drugs. I found out. I confronted her and that was the last time she spoke to me. I still send my niece and nephew presents. Periodically, I receive a short text message from her, but that's it. It is sad. I miss her, but this is her choice. I'm here if she ever changes her mind. I hope one day she does.

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    1. Marie, I am sorry this has hit you as well. It just seems epidemic and when one tells a story, more come to light from others' lives. Reconciliation is there for all of us...the question is just when....if ever. At least you are keeping the doors open with your sister.

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  11. I have just read this. I am estranged from my sister and have been for many years- she lives in Australia and I in UK. I am going home soon to see our parents and I have been thinking about ways to reach out to her, but reading this has helped me realise that it is my job to be patient and to be there if she ever wants contact with me. It is not up to me to impose my feelings about our relationship onto her.
    Thank you.
    Liz

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Your comments mean a lot to me. Thank you so much for reading my post, and heaps more hugs and thank you's for leaving a note!